How do you feel about raising the child of another man/woman?

[Earl_of_Rochester]

Not my kid, not my problem. It seems quite a few girls from poorer parts of society get it into their head that having a kid is trendy but don't bother to choose a partner which redeeming qualities or a work ethic. If they've been with someone for a few years and lived together then fine, but a lot of the time family planning comes second to just wanting something to love.

It's the same with pets at Christmas. I don't see why I should have to look after someone else's mistakes and irresponsibility. In an ideal world kids would live in stable family relationships with two loving parents who also love each other.

 

[Jake10]

I've never adopted a child (raised some of my own). 35 yrs ago I had a girlfriend with three kids and they *STILL* think of me as an "honorary" dad. I think I just happened to be there at a critical/important time. This still doesn't qualify me, since my experience was only a few years (6 maybe). <BTW: I call her my "ex". We still chat. She was at my wedding, I was at hers, I'm friends with her husband, etc.>

My observation is that adopted children, no matter what kind of loving home they come from, tend to search out their "real" parent(s) as early adults. I don't know what percentage of adoptees do this, but there are national websites to help them.

I can see this as heartbreaking to the parents who poured love into them, took care of their fevers, helped them with school, helped them with their own heartaches ... to be put aside for "real" parents, even temporarily.

I can't imagine how much this must hurt ('..but,but, *I*'m your dad!"). Yeah, well parents being hurt by their kids is part of the game, too.

I have a relative that was abandoned by a dead-beat nasty dad. As they grew up, they just had that biologic imperative (or whatever it is) to search him out.

I guess this a very long-winded way of saying: "be prepared for the 'real' parent thing, no matter how much of a scumbag/saint they actually are."

Looking at Rodger's post, I can easily see how adolescents are a completely different ballgame. My experience was with cute, little guys (at the start).

I guess that has a lot to do with wanting to know themselves, much like the way people study history. We all wonder where we came from and how we came to be the way we are, and looking into our background seems like a good place to find out. I guess one big question any person who has grown up with an adoptive parent has is, "Why did my father/mother leave me?" I'm not sure what the answer to that results in.

 

[Tulun]

i haven't been in such a situation but i've seen some really nice examples around me where step parent-step children relationships went really well and functioned like any other normal healthy, loving family (ofc i knew also a friend who had an abusive @sshole stepfather, but that man was also an abusive piece of **** with his biological children). anyways it wouldn't bother me that i don't share genes, still i could love them as one of my own.

 

[Dios]

It occurred to me, that like most threads, the topic wandered a bit (until the last guy who remembered). I was perhaps more guilty than others.

"Partner commits to another partner with kids." Would you do it?

I don't think a poll serves any useful purpose. People aren't polls, people are people.

In the 50's, there was something WRONG with a man if he didn't have a homemaker wife dressed like Beaver Cleaver's mom and 2.5 kids. A man's career could not be expected to advance unless he fit that pattern. Many families had kids ... that shouldn't have.

Thankfully, today, it's simply not an issue. If a hiring person asked you about your family structure, you might be able to sue.

The point is: there are some people that just don't want to be parents. Thank goodness they don't need to be any more. A good parent starts with someone who really, really wants kids. Someone who kinda thinks that maybe they want kids shouldn't start making babies. They should ache for it.

On the other end of the spectrum, there was some Washington politico in the news about a month ago. As a side issue, people who were criticizing him were startled to find out he & his wife had adopted 11 children over the years. I love kids. I couldn't do that. My hands were full with two.

There's all kinds of people in between.

There's people who love kids and don't care whose they are. There's people that NEED that biologic connection, or there wouldn't be fertility clinics and surrogate mothers. There may be a shortage of adoptable WHITE babies, but there's plenty of kids looking for parents ... no stretch marks.

I can only see this in a personal context. If my two kids were still young and I was thinking about committing to a partner, I wouldn't commit until I was absolutely sure what the relationship between the partner & my kids would be. I know people hate Dr. Laura, but she has kernels of very good advice. At the beginning of a relationship, people are "nice" to each other: it takes about 1 1/2 to 2 yrs for people to start acting normal ... what they're REALLY like, what really ticks them off, "I hate that thing you do", etc. I wouldn't commit for two years, and then I'd just have to cut the cord if it was clear my partner wasn't going to be a good parent. That's a lot to ask: 2 yrs of investment ... but my kids would be at stake.

The absolute last thing I would want to do is constantly wedge myself between my partner and my kids ... just so I would have someone. Kids are a handful as it is. You don't need to add a partner that you have to "deal with" as well.

I had kids with serious medical problems. You need united parents for stuff like that, otherwise going it on your own is much less stressful and better for the kids. I've had it both ways.

 

[MrKap]

It is a slipery slope. Many will meet you with utmost resistance as they will see it as a type of overarching theft.



And remember, it isn't upto the government or anyone else to allow you into the family. It is upto the parents, or the adoption / child protection agency.


So, whatever you do. Keep it Uncle.


And even then, remember, there are creeps out there like this, so don't be that creep. Everyone will find you and throw you in jail because, well, it's illegal sometimes.


Torontonian Found Guilty Of Assaulting Homeless Man, Taking His Baby

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2018/01/12/torontonian-found-guilty-of-assaulting-homeless-man-taking-his-baby_a_23332357/?utm_hp_ref=ca-homepage



I voted, "slightly hesitant" to do that.

I'd rethink your motives, if you felt the need to keep the thread anonymous for purposes other than noble ones.

 

[Ichon]

Adoption is a fine tradition and most often works out pretty well. Of course there are some major exceptions and even in cases where it goes well there are some differences from blood relationships (which aren't anything perfect very often anyway so that isn't actually saying much).

I do think the circumstances of the adoption matter quite a bit... welcoming adoptive parents and a young child have the best odds while the less welcoming the adoptive parents or the older the child the more issues tend to appear.

Considering I have more than a couple adopted members within my own family and am friends with some individuals who are both adopted and have adopted a child I always intended to adopt if I had a spouse willing to do so even if having children by blood already.

I can't think of a single 'perfect' adoption scenario in the circle of people I know personally but neither any horror stories while I know some families with natural children that had really poor outcomes (though the sample size of the adopted is way smaller the obstacles to adoption are such that only dedicated people tend to overcome them making the odds of adoptive parents being more supportive higher than the general population of parents).

 

[Pacific_Victory]

Yes, why not? There is also no reason why such a situation would prevent one from having their own biological children as well.

 

[zincwarrior]

Let's say you become single and meet someone you want as a spouse, but the person has a small child. How does that effect the way you feel? Would you want to be a parent to the child?

The poll is anonymous, by the way.

Been there, done that, got a belt buckle. The oldest is now in a math/computer science PHD program, being paid to go to school. The youngest is in her first year biochem, and all will eventually do her bidding.

 

[Rodger]

In places like the U.S. mixed families may well be the norm, or close to it. Divorces are common. People often don't marry. Relationships form between people, whereby one - or both - have children. Sometimes it is mine, yours and ours. Them relationships end and the parent - and child(ren) - move on to another relationship. It is a reality for many. I imagine some of our younger forum members have experienced this and would like to hear their opinion.

 

[Pacific_Victory]

In places like the U.S. mixed families may well be the norm, or close to it. Divorces are common. People often don't marry. Relationships form between people, whereby one - or both - have children. Sometimes it is mine, yours and ours. Them relationships end and the parent - and child(ren) - move on to another relationship. It is a reality for many. I imagine some of our younger forum members have experienced this and would like to hear their opinion.

Well, I'm 28 and in a relationship with a 29 year old with a 6 year old daughter. I don't find it unusual really, step-parenting has been the norm in my life. My parents split up when I was three, and I was raised by my Dad and by an aunt and uncle who filled in as sort of step parents for my missing mother. Meanwhile, all three of my closest friends had parents who divorced and then remarried, so they all had two sets of step parents and step families, and I spent endless hours hanging out at their various places. My grandfather also divorced and remarried, so my only living grandmother is a step-grandmother.